The 10 Best Things My Grade School Taught Me on Accident

Biology. Chemistry. European History. English Literature. Calculus, maybe.

If you asked your typical High-School graduate what they were taught in grade school, those are probably the answers you’d get. Which is a funny thing. In the real world, you and I probably don’t really use any of that stuff. Granted, I’m not a Lit Professor or a Doctor or a BioChemiHistorian, or maybe a few of those classes would have come more in handy.

Still, through my high school career, I managed to learn a lot. I can’t really directly credit any of my professors for it, though. It wasn’t really the things they said or the specific assignments they gave that taught me anything, so I guess I’d say I learned this stuff on accident. Here are 10 that I’m actually making use of today, with a little bit of psychological backing mixed in.

1. How to Bullshit.

The best class I ever took in High School was probably the most obnoxious. Advanced Placement US History, a class notorious in our school for assigning 2-3 useless essays every week and for a professor who never looked into anything beyond the intro, the works cited, and the page length. The main focus of the course went quickly from “read the chapters and analyze them” to “pick out two or three random bolded sentences and turn them into two or three random pages.” It became an art form. I can now confidently turn any sentence or phrase (“How to Bullshit,” for example) into a number of paragraphs.

Why is this important? Because I’ve got crap to do. Just because my teacher has a syllabus and my boss has an agenda shouldn’t mean that I have to waste my valuable time writing nonsense that he’s not even going to look at twice. That’s hours of free time I now have to do things that are important to me. Like video games.

Here are some quick techniques you can employ today if you’ve got a length-based task at hand.

First, it’s absolutely impossible to measure the right margin on a printed out page. Drag and drop that sucker a couple of quasi-inches to the left, in towards the text, and Wham! You’ve got a few more lines.

Second, increase the size of all of the periods. Easier to detect, but minimally. Just Control+F, switch to Find&Replace, search for “.”, and replace it with another “.” of a larger font size. The text will still be the same font size, but magically, your document is longer.

Third, use Courier New font. It looks small, and looks like a typewriter. But it’s HUGE. This will add the most length to your document, but alas, some teachers can pick up on the fact that you’re not using Times New Roman. So be wary.

2. How to Plagiarize.

Here are three simple mathematical equations you need to drill into your head: 1) Plagiarism = BAD. 2) Paraphrasing = ACCEPTABLE. 3) Plagiarism + Thesaurus + Works Cited = Paraphrasing.

Here’s a fourth equation, too: Shift+F7. That’s the shortcut for the Thesaurus in Microsoft Word. Every time there’s a distinctive adjective, Shift+F7. Want to change the word “change?” Modify it using Shift+F7. You can make a given sentence sound exactly the same but look completely different just by adding a few simple keystrokes. By utilizing a keyboard shortcut, you can create an entirely new sentence while conveying precisely the same message.

Just be sure that you internally cite your source at the end of the paragraph.

3. How to Write Engaging Paragraphs.

Abraham Lincoln once said, “Despite my best efforts at churning out nonsense at blazing fast speed, my History professor was still reading the intro paragraphs.” Actually, it was me who said that. But you’ve just witnessed the power of the most important technique to make any paragraph stellar: Start with your most interesting sentence, and end with your second-most interesting sentence. It’s human psychology that these two sentences stick the most. The two most accessible sources are direct quotes and proverbs. I guarantee you that any paragraph that starts off with “Abraham Lincoln once said,” or “you can’t judge a book by it’s cover” is an interesting read.

This was another skill I picked up in US History. I knew that even though I could probably get away with Lorem Ipsum in my body paragraphs, my professor would still possibly be reading the intro and conclusion. So those had to look *good* . Throughout all of my English classes all those years, I never increased my vocabulary as drastically as I did through my work in US History. I learned just how easy it was to turn boring and generic words into eloquent and engaging sentences, without really adding all that much to the actual content.

I know too many people who underestimate the importance of being able to write competently, especially now that such a great portion of our daily conversations occurs via email or Instant Message. Don’t get caught with the ruffians; your ability to write is your window to new jobs, friends, and opportunities.

But enough about writing.

4. How to be Nice to Authorities.

There are lots of people who absolutely suck. They’re completely illogical, obnoxious, and self-centered. 9 times out of 10, this is your teacher, boss, or supervisor – you know, the guy right above you and completely in control of your workload and your life. You’re going to have to accept that that’s life and that you’re going to have to deal with it. But you can make the best of the situation.

You’d be surprised at how big of a difference the little things can make. By no means do you have to suck up to your boss or bring your teacher a shiny apple in the morning. Simply saying “Good morning, Mr. Hodgson” and smiling when you walk in to class can be all it takes. If you’re feeling really gutsy, ask him about the weather, his kids, or last night’s sports game or must-watch TV show. Make sure it’s non-work related. Soon enough your boss will smile and chat back, even if it’s briefly. Then maybe when he’s deciding on whom to assign that over-the-weekend project, he’ll remember that you’re going to the Yankees game this weekend and give the project to someone else. Or when you want to get out of work 2 hours early on Friday to get a head start on your out-of-state trip this weekend, he’ll just reply “Sure. See you on Monday.”

Even more importantly, an authority figure who’s on your side can help you out of sticky situations, even when they’ve technically got no power in the given context. That’s why knowing a staff member at a University leads to a significantly higher acceptance rate, even though she’s got nothing to do with the administration board. That’s why you’d likely take your best friend’s car buying advice more seriously than that of Consumer Reports, even if he’s never owned a car. If it’s not yet obvious, the other force besides authority here is peer pressure. If a co-worker asked you for a favor that didn’t require you to exert any extra effort, wouldn’t you do it?

By the way: The last 1 time out of 10 the self-centered person is you. Don’t forget that everyone in the world is looking after numero uno—himself. You’re foolish if you think otherwise.

5. How to Lie to Authorities.

Sometimes it doesn’t matter how nice you are to your boss; some people are just immovably ignorant of others around them. So you’ll need to lie to them to get what you need: an extension, time off, whatever.

The most important thing to do when lying is to act naturally and with levity. Frame your lie so it’s something you accept, something that’s not a big deal, something that’s obvious, or something you simply write off. This is hard to pull off if you’re not a professional actor. The easiest thing to do is put yourself in an actual situation where you’d have to truthfully make a similar case. For example, say you were a 19-year-old kid trying to buy a beer with your new fake I.D. What’s your response if a bouncer/bartender/cashier says “Hey, you don’t look 21.”? You tell him the same thing you’d tell a cashier who thought you looked too young to buy cigarettes. “Do you think so?” Or, “I know, tell me about it!” The same applies when your boss asks “You really need to drive all the way to St. Louis just to turn in and sign some forms?” “I know, tell me about it.”

I’ve actually gotten away with using “my dog ate it” as an excuse for not turning in my homework. You know, the cliche excuse that hasn’t worked since my great granddaddy invented it at the last turn of the century.  It’s not the excuse that broke, it was the execution.

6. How to get the OCD Girls to Do your Work for You.

Without a doubt, the best tactic in working with groups is letting the girls do almost all of the work. Guys, you should be grinning and nodding silently to yourself right now. At least if you’re remotely competent.

See, one of the many things with High School girls is that they love doing their own thing. And it’s great that they’re driven to be independent. What I quickly realized is that there were a great number of girls who loved picking their own phrasing and slide color scheme almost as much as they loved picking their outfits in the morning. “So, while you write that up, I’ll do some checking up on my fantasy baseball team more research” was music to their ears, and to my insatiable thirst for minimizing my own efforts.

7. How to let Teachers Fix your Work for You.

This one’s especially useful for writing-based assignments, where grading is ridiculously subjective. It’s also incredibly easy. All you’ve got to do is go to your teacher’s office hours and ask them to review a draft of your work. If you’re friends with them (point 4), or if they aren’t absolute hard-asses, they’ll be more than happy to sit down and go through your entire paper with you.

You gain:

• Insight on your current ideas and arguments
• Suggestions for additional ideas and arguments
• Teacher’s faith and trust that you are a good student and you really want to do well
• Better grades

You lose:

• Any spelling or grammar errors
• Maybe 40 minutes of your time

For the best results, make sure you consult with the person who will actually be grading the paper (i.e., if the Teacher’s Assistant is grading the paper then you’d be better off talking to him than to the professor). And don’t go in too early, otherwise the professor might expect to see another revision.

By the way, this absolutely works in the business world as well. The underlying psychology is the fact that people LOVE giving their opinions (especially in areas of expertise), and they love demonstrating and exercising authority. So when you think about it, you’re almost doing your boss / professor a favor. And that’s why he’ll be more than happy to return in kind.

8. Table Manners.

My brother still thinks I chew like a cow, and relentlessly reminds me of the fact that I’m chewing with my mouth open (or some other similar grievance) every time I come home for dinner. But at school I wouldn’t be caught dead. That’s the kind of banal garbage that girls and guys will comment on behind your back if they’re polite enough to not ridicule you about to your face.

The rules are probably different for girls than they are for guys, so I’ll stick with what I know. The most important rule here is to make sure that you’re not making any noises when you’re chewing. This probably means keeping your mouth closed – not because I don’t want to see what you’re chewing (I’m probably ogling the girls at the table next to us, anyway), but because I don’t want to hear it. Lip smacking is probably the loudest offender of food-chewing-noises. Elbows on the table is okay if you’re eating a burger or something. And talking with your mouth full, in a cafeteria setting, is fine as long as you’re not showering me with food bits. You’re better off talking and laughing and risking it than being the quiet kid in the corner.

9. How to Artificially Inflate your Resume.

Nobody cares about your GPA anymore. They want to see how involved you are.

Here’s the thing you might not have realized: after-school clubs in High School rarely (if ever) amount to anything more than just hanging out with fancy names. Even clubs that take themselves super-seriously will hold regular meetings where you’ll listen to a few BREAKING NEWS notices from the President and

then goof off with friends for 30-40 minutes. And you might even get a slice of pizza or a soda out of it.

The next catch is that the powers that be aren’t terribly interested in “how many clubs can you sign up for on Activity Day?”, but they want to see leadership roles.

There’s a simple way to beat that system, which I like to call “Vice President.” It’s rarer in collegiate clubs and beyond, but as far as High School was concerned, the Vice President never has any defined role. Consider: The President takes care of the important decisions. The Treasurer counts the beans. The Secretary writes stuff. The Vice President sits in meetings and offers his support. That’s about it.

Even still, High School is a great time to get a feel for leadership in an organization, with minimal time-commitment and zero pressure if you screw up. Plus, I worried that the board might get suspicious if they saw me down as Vice President in four different clubs.

Actually, I guess you could also argue that your resume was never really about telling employers all about the nice and dandy things that you do, but rather that It’s mostly a means for them to see how adeptly you can spin something mediocre into something extraordinary given a limited amount of space. Remember to use your Bullshit and Shift+F7 tools profusely.

10. How to NOT Procrastinate.

Yeah, I know. Procrastinating is the student’s bread and butter. And I learned in high school how to beat the bug. Whoa.

I can understand why you might like procrastinating gratuitously. And there really is no reason why you should tackle an assignment on the day it’s given when it’s due in two weeks. Especially not when there’s Internet to adventure.

The thing is, I’m not really a fan of pressure. I’m an expert at not getting worked up or freaked out about schoolwork sorts of things, but still, saving up an entire research paper to churn out on the last night just doesn’t appeal to me as a fun situation.

Looking at your assignment as a whole makes it an impossible task to tackle. There’s no way you want to write 15 pages right now; the game is on and you’re kind of hungry and you haven’t checked Facebook recently and you might as well read that textbook chapter since it’ll take less time.

Here’s a better way to look at it: Block off the next hour of your time, and devote 45 minutes to work and 15 minutes to play. You can block out e-mail and video games for just 45 minutes, can’t you? Wash, rinse, repeat for a few cycles over the course of a few days, and you’re on your way home stress-free. Not to mention, now you’ve got a draft you can probably with your teacher and let him fix all your changes before he grades it (or don’t remember point 7?).

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Here are some other things I learned but didn’t write about because 10 is a nice number.

• How to get revenge, discreetly
• How to prioritize your time
• How to sleep in class / look like I’m paying attention
  
• How to handle pressure
• How to have fun at work
• How to bend the system to my needs
• My spanish teacher would murder me otherwise, so to be fair and honest, how to speak and read Spanish

All all, not a bad curriculum. I probably could have done without that year of Biology, though; what a waste that was.

Class dismissed.